I haven’t been very active around these parts, have I? I’ve noticed that the consistency of my blog-posting directly correlates with the amount of time I spend at school and not at home. It’s not to say that I’m busy to the point where I’m only getting three hours of sleep per night and am stumbling around campus hopped up on caffeine and fear (at least, not most of the time), but saying that the mere action of being at school invokes a fair amount of stress, which doesn’t really leave me in a fantastic state of mind to be writing stuff about EXO’s debut or whatever it is that Super Junior is doing at the mo’.
I’ll be done with my sophomore year in less than a month, and obviously, the halfway point in one’s college career is the best possible time to completely lose your handle on your sense of self-confidence. The weirdest thing about this is that it makes you question whether or not you had a good handle on your sense self-confidence to begin with, and whether or not you’ve spent a good chunk of your life believing that you were a more capable person than you actually are.
Admission of guilt: I basically slacked my way through grade school but still graduated at the top of my class and took comfort in my existence as one of the token “smart kids” amongst my peers, never letting myself know what it felt like to work hard, to reach my limit, to know where my capabilities ended.
And then I came to college, where there is no way to get a so-called “easy A,” or even an A at all (we even have an official grade deflation policy, just to make sure!), so you must work harder in order to get that A, and unless you have gotten that A you have not worked hard enough — but is there ever an end to “working harder”? What happens when there’s nothing left to wring out of that “-er”? Or is such a sentiment nothing more than a self-reassuring lie, because there are always more books you could read, more texts you could study, more hours you could spend reviewing material, more ways in which you can train your brain to be more intelligent, more thoughtful…
So basically, I’ve done a good job of setting impossible standards for myself while simultaneously telling myself that unless I achieve these impossible standards, I will continue to be inadequate, and it will be my fault.
My ability to suck it up when things get tough has always been one of my favorite skills, but this time it seems to have become my greatest downfall. There have been times when I’ve reached a point of complete shutdown, eventually emerging with a resolution that I would study and work only for my own pleasure, never for the feeling of validation that comes with a high GPA. But this sentiment is quickly squashed upon receiving yet another crappy grade on a test or paper, looking at all my errors and concluding that I’ll have to do better next time because look at all those circles and arrows and places where you can improve for next time because you did not do your best the first time around and these mistakes prove it. Oh hey there, Vicious Cycle. Wuddup.
I feel very insecure about my current existence at this school, and the fact that I honestly don’t remember the last time that I’ve ever felt good or confident about any academic work I’ve done really doesn’t help. But how much of this insecurity comes from my brain, and how much from this muthaeffin’ school and its inherent nature as a 2,300 person-capacity pressure cooker?
Maybe I just need this semester to be over. Scratch that — I definitely need this semester to be over.